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	Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 58 seconds Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast!

$Cocky Giants\$	Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 156 seconds News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.

	Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 170 seconds Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.

$2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn\$	2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 64 seconds As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. (Aired 12/9/11)

	Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 97 seconds Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. (Aired 10/11/11)

	Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 161 seconds Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.

$Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama \$	Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 211 seconds A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.

$2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona\$	2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 66 seconds In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)

	2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 63 seconds In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)

$Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She\$	Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 125 seconds The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)

	2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 80 seconds In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. (Aired 12/9/11)

	Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 140 seconds

	2011 Top Story: Navy SEALS Discover Bin Laden Gained 300 Pounds Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 87 seconds In one of the biggest stories of 2011, U.S. Special Forces shot and killed bin Laden and then removed his obese body from his compound with a forklift. (Aired 12/9/11)

$Critics Slam Obama For \"Just Standing There\" During Photo Op$	Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 173 seconds Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.

$Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer\$	Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 151 seconds Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.

	Alex Smith Boasts 49ers Have What It Takes To Win Despite Him Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 161 seconds The forecast for this GOOMF is cloudy with a chance of a bragging Alex Smith, smiling Tom Coughlin, and lame-ass Bernie Williams.

$Grover Norquist: \$	Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes' Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 120 seconds President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.

	Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 149 seconds President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.

$Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America\$	Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America's Top Pick For Holiday Entertainment Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 153 seconds The must-see hit of the holidays is a group of medieval mummers, who are going door-to-door singing old-fashioned ballads and acting out jovial plays in return for mugs of ale and gold pieces.

	Ashton Kutcher Caught Canoodling With Ancient Disc Made Of Pure Evil Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 151 seconds Now that Demi is out of the picture, Ashton is up to his old bachelor ways, out on the town with his arms wrapped around a glowing disc hewn in the fires of hell.

	Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL - Sports Year in Review Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 154 seconds Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing.

$Pop Star\$	Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 156 seconds Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.

	Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 158 seconds "Kenny and Doc nearly join Aaron Rodgers in his impending suicide as they argue about Mark Sanchez's injured pussy finger and the Marlins' stupid spending."

$Report: Nobody\$	Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 164 seconds A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.

	Brooke Alvarez Has All The Answers, Even About Particle Physics Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 68 seconds One fan tries to stump Brooke with a tough question about the giant hadron collider, but Brooke isn't ruffled in the slightest. As a top-notch news personality, it's her job to know virtually everything about everything.

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